Reflection

It's funny how it's not the New Year which causes reflection in my head, but it's birthday's. It might be because my birthday is so close to New Year.

Hi, yes, another long absence and I don't even bother being polite. Forget the niceties, lets just get right into the nuts and bolts of it.

I have a friend who is having major health issues at the moment and I have to admit it has rocked me to the core. Someone I have known for about 35 years, who is not part of the family. She is a vibrant woman who has done loads of travel and very rarely stops. One of those people who swims at lunch, walks in the jungle after work, then heads home to make pesto and hummus. Basically makes the rest of us 'normal' folk feel like sloths. So when she suddenly can't walk more than 300 meters, can't drive herself around and can't make pesto, it's a shock to say the least. Luckily she is mentally resilient.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it has made me think. Yep, I can do that at times.

It has made me think about that one step forward, five back thing that happens. And now I shall share my pearls of wisdom with you about why I think we get impatient like that. I am an expert you know.

I have decided that that is what happens when one is impatient with a situation. I think that if you can take that situation as it is and are doing what you can within your powers, then you feel that you are slowly forging forward. If you are impatient with where you are at then any roadblock or set back seems huge and makes it feel like you are losing ground and doing a fantastic backwards slide.

This is how I have felt during alot of what has gone on over the past few years. I have been so desperate to get out of whatever mindframe/situation that we have been in that I have felt very much like a 'victim' by which I mean out of control of what is happening and not being able to make any head way.

At other times I have embraced where I was at and accepted things for what they are and then it doesn't seem so bad. I think everything is a process, and if you try to circumvent it, that's when the backwards stuff comes in. Easy to say in hindsight.

"love is in the air, love is in the air." Radio distracted me for a minute.

It's birthday time here I have been down this past week or so. Not majorly, just feeling like I am a slave to the boys, which I know isn't true. But I haven't set myself up with things for me. I think that is part of feeling guilt and of not having control of the situation, therefor feeling like I don't deserve anything for me. Especially as it would mean asking more of hubby, not that he would object and doesn't but that's not a solution. I want some independence back.

So, time for a job. Something nice and flexible from home. Something that enables me to gain control, make decisions and feel that I am gainfully contributing, even if it is only to my own well being. Hmm, just reread that sentence and wonder if I am very selfish or feel like a lot of mothers, who are at a cross roads and starting to rediscover the joys of life outside of motherhood.

Wow, where did all that come from? I think I should be on Oprah with my retrospective clarity.

I think it is certainly time for me to go and get on with the day. Afterall that's what I have been saying.

Carpe diem.